Wow, the past few weeks have been quite the emotional roller coaster. Each day begins with a new, sensational, choose-your-own-ending adventure and it seems I’m drawn to the “End in flames finale”. Just to give you a slight overview of my life as of late, I’ve been working to get rid of everything I have, trying to maintain a love thats evasive, contemplating about the direction of my future, preparing for the research project of a lifetime, all while STILL trying to carry myself with beauty and grace.
Don’t get me wrong, I wake up with a great sense of excitement and anticipation for the day but within minutes my day filled with bright sunny skies can be transformed into a complete thunderstorm! I’ve witnessed my own energy shift from euphoria to misery, leaving me in a pile of self defeat. This yo-yoing continued on for weeks before I discovered – I have a hard time responding to change!
I know, its hard to believe that someone who has lived around the world, encountered all sorts of unexpected scenarios, and is always looking for her next big challenge has a difficulty handling change. Apparently, my mind responds differently to various types of change. The two basic types I normally encounter are, anticipated change and unexpected change. Anticipated change occurs when I have no attachments of what the next moment will bring and so whatever comes is welcomed.
Unexpected change is the most dangerous and occurs when I have already created a story in my mind about how the scenario will play out. In this case, I have decided how things will unfold and any change to the plan is seen as a direct attack to my psyche. When these pop into my life, they have the capacity to debilitate me. They’re not necessarily outrageous or out of the ordinary but they still leave me with an inability to respond.
Most recent unexpected changes: 1. A delayed response from a colleague, 2. A change in registration fees 3. Updated relationship status.
Now that I’ve figured out the source of my trauma, I’ve been working on developing some lifestyle habits to help reduce their impact. So far I’ve found that turning my cell phone and computer off at night and not turning them back on until I’m up and running (at work/school) in the morning is helpful. This way any emails, messages or phone calls that could potentially send me into an emotional frenzy are postponed. Getting them while I’m surrounded by other people helps me to maintain a certain level of sanity.
I know that my current stress level has a lot to do with my sensitive emotional state, so as long as have more balls in the air than I can juggle, I’m gonna have to keep looking for ways to effectively keep all of the balls in place!